Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
