Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He better not be in your backpack
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
