my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
