A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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