put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
