she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
