I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
