i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
