He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
