Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Someone came in the potted fern
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
