I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
