Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
