I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
