I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
