and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
