He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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