I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
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