The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
