hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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