I'm jealous of your bromance
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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