after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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