you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My vagina is officially offended.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
