I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
