Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I need moral support for this bender
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
