I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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