I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
