he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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