I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
pray to the hookup gods
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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