Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
