So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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