I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
