R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
