My sheets look like a crime scene.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
