I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
