you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
