the condom got lost in my hair
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
