I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
