Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
