I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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