once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
