So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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