My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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