i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
