i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
