I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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