My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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