I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
