We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
