remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
