I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Farmville is her only friend.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
